


The Obligation I Carry

by aireagoir



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Clint Barton Feels, Crying, Lesbian Character, Love Confessions, Natasha Feels, Not Canon Compliant, Other, POV Natasha Romanov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 23:03:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6445813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aireagoir/pseuds/aireagoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the one letter Nat couldn't bear to write but her ledger isn't balanced. </p><p>It's the one letter Clint hopes he never reads but he had sworn he'd follow through; just this once he'd wouldn't watch from afar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Obligation I Carry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aimily](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aimily/gifts).



> This is a stand alone ficlet on a head canon we can't agree over; nonetheless, it's for a friend who knows I'll be in the red forever.

Dear Clint,  
I know we technically agreed we’d never do “in case” letters. They’re morbid, and what are the chances that in any given operation I’d die but you’d live? It’s real, though. I did one. There’s too much you’d never know if I didn’t.

There are three things I need to tell you. I won’t draw it out. We’re not (we weren’t, I guess?) word people. I don’t even know if you have a letter. What happens if we're both—never mind. Off topic.

  
First: are you sure you were thinking of Budapest? Because the comparison with NYC was crystal clear.

  
Second: You didn’t know everything about my childhood. You knew enough to respect my boundaries about it. Thanks.

  
Finally, damn. Clint, I don’t deal with feelings a lot. It’s not useful for what we do, and there is an absolute line between feelings that are helpful and most of them aren’t. But I wasn’t going to leave without telling you the one thing you needed to know the most, which is more sort of a memory than a feeling.

  
I remember an early morning at the homestead. It was still chilly but I was going through one of those insomnia patches. You came out and sat next to me on the picnic table, the one that goes downhill a little. You brought me coffee and we talked. Laura, Coop and Lila were all upstairs in bed. I don’t know why, some stupid thing with the light, or exhaustion, whatever. I looked at you. Really looked. It was something impossible to forget.

  
There was a gorgeous, soft light on your face, and way the wind played through your hair, which was still a bit of a mess. Your arms, which have held me so many times when I couldn’t stand the rest of the world knowing I’m not emotionless. Of course I fucking know what they say, said, will say about me. Probably about you, too, now. You saved my actual life more times than anybody could know, but that isn’t what I wanted to tell you.

  
The coffee was hot, and I was looking at the porch. Railings, green shutters, the tire swing that got hot in the summer. CONSTANTLY hearing Cooper ask when he would learn to split wood, and when can he have a try with the bow and arrow? Cooper loves you so much it hurts me to watch it, knowing that I’m out there with you, running around cleaning up shitty mess after shitty mess when what should be happening is me watching Laura slice potatoes for a casserole. You throwing a Frisbee to Cooper, Lila so damn proud when she lost her first tooth and you were there to see it. The bloody little hole which she could NOT STOP probing with her tongue.

  
Clint, I really believed love was only for children. It couldn’t be any other way. Some things are immutable; love and our work are not compatible. Hell, the entire first year I fell in love I refused to believe it. Secret meetings, terror of loss, certain I’d wake up one day and finally the secret was out. When it grew into a tidal pool, consuming my heart, my head, my весь мир, my entire world, it was like every horrible thing I had ever been made to do, trained to do, every vulnerability I had ever known opened up inside me and I had to choose. I chose love.

  
And then you walked into Fury’s office and said the only way you’d accept was to put Laura, Lila and Cooper in your homestead. You can’t possibly know how much I cried, how loudly jagged words cut out of my throat for weeks.

  
You knew you were the only one who had that kind of power then. You also knew that it was such a huge chip you’d lose the chance to bargain on anything else you wanted and you did it without question, without holding it over me or demanding anything in return.

  
Clint, that day we sat on the table I should have told you the truth. I should have told you from the deepest, untraceable part of my soul, that you were the best friend any woman could ever hope to find and whatever I had done to have you in my life, I surely hadn’t earned it. Your friendship, that and that alone, made certain the woman I cannot live without is safe. Laura’s the only person who knows all of me and brings me closer. You agreeing to “marry” her and use IVF meant you gave us the life she desperately wanted and deserved. I was helpless to protect or give children to the love of my life and you knew that killed me in a thousand tiny ways.

  
I said love is for children. It’s a love that I finally understand you multiply, not divide. Laura knew I’d understand, she had faith.

  
Clint, I know you’ll take care of her, and still be Uncle Clint to the kids until the day you die. Laura told me once that she was grateful the kids have known you since birth. She believes having you as a role model will make them better people. She’s right. They can sense that both mom and mama value you. They know you’re family. I’m saying now what I should have said then.

  
Wherever I am now, however this works, you’ll know this for sure; I bring you with me, because no matter how hard the universe may try, they’ll never erase the gratitude and obligation I carry for you. Under **Barton, Clint** my ledger will never stop being red.

  
I love you, my truest friend.  
Nat


End file.
